Reflections and Expectations

 I was looking through some older reviews and came across this interesting article from Dash28, a Kings of War website. It was a touching review that made me feel pretty good at the time.

You can check out the article by clicking here if you'd like before moving on to the rest of what I have to say, which is mostly ramblings, but I figure why else would you be here if not for that?

Now, this is a great recommendation for my book Pride of a King. At the time of its publishing, I was happy to have produced something that someone else was able to enjoy. Now, though, as I sit on the end of the first draft of that book's sequel, I find myself filled with trepidation by that reviewer's praise.

What if I can't do it again?

What if the book I wrote was my one-hit wonder? My "Eye of the Tiger" or "Take on Me" if you will. What if I can't replicate the things that made the previous book a success? 

Doubt is a devious worm that eats away at your innards even while you're trying to pour your soul out into the project that currently occupies your brain. It's a cancer that can suck enjoyment out of creation and can rob you of victory if you allow it.

I'm trying hard not to let it do that, but damn if my doubts aren't world-class salesmen, they could get me to buy ketchup popsicles while wearing white gloves. On good days, these ideas are just whispers in the back of my head. On other days, they find a bullhorn and give it hell.

I know I shouldn't listen to them, it's a trap to lure me into a state of limbo where doing nothing and not being disappointed by my failure is weighted almost equally with pushing myself to finish and having it turn out a disaster. Some people have sleep paralysis demons that keep them up at night. My paralysis demons are caffeinated monkeys that run circles around me and stop me from doing the things that I want to do.

This is a common issue, though, nothing new. Thousands of people suffer from the same issue, and many more at a much higher intensity than I do. 

But that line of thinking is another trap. I know, academically, that comparison is the worst way out of a slump of anxiety, but that doesn't mean that my lizard brain isn't going to want to chomp on that shiny bait and let my doubts reel me in even further.

Sometimes, my common sense wins out; sometimes, my lizard overlord demands tribute. Today, things are pretty quiet. Tomorrow looks good. We'll see what next week brings. When the wind shifts and I head in a new direction, I'll deal with that then.

That's how I've learned to deal with it. I'm not sure if it's the smartest or best way. But even when my doubts are beating me over the head with a bat, I know that it's not permanent. Even if it feels like it's never going to stop. I know that things will swing back around eventually and I'll get to be the one on top for a little bit.

So whenever the bad days come around, essentially, I have the memory of the good days, like when I first read that review, to remind me that it isn't always like this.

There's always one more good day to be had. No matter how many I've had, there's always at least one more, and that makes the bad days easier to deal with. I know it sounds trite, or cliche, but sometimes we need the tropes to save us, and maybe that's the reason for their existence.